Eight Steps to a Well-Trained Human

Step 1 - Show 'em what you've got!

Your human(s) needs to be well aware of the consequences of disobeying you, so the first thing you need to do to train your human is show them what happens when they don't "play nice." You need to conjure up the most "bad dog" behaviour you can possibly fathom and show absolutely no remorse for it. Instead, give them the look of, "Yeah, I done it, and I'll do it again too!" For example, I ate the linoleum in the kitchen, chewed on the walls and tore up some carpet. When they tried to punish me, I said to them, "Whatever, I do what I want!" You need to only do something this big once or twice. Otherwise, they will see you as a "problem" and ship you off to the pound.

Step 2 - Start with the weakest link.

It is best to have someone on your side when trying to train humans, so you need to seek out the weakest human you know and train him/her first. Find the human most prone to forgive you, pretend not to know when you are doing something bad, stick up for you when another human is yelling at you and even make excuses for your behaviour. My weakest link is, of course, Tammy. She is a sucker for some Pug!

Step 3 - If you got it, use it.

The easiest way to manipulate your human is with your cute looks. If you aren't cute, you are going to have to find help elsewhere, because it's all I know. Maybe you could learn Jedi mind control or shock therapy or something. Anyway, when you get "caught" doing something the human doesn't want you to do, or if the human tries to make you do something you don't want to do, give them your cutest whittle face. Cocking your head to one side will help too! There's something about that look that people just can't resist. The message you want to convey to them is, "I am the cutest little thing you have ever seen. How can you expect me to do (or not do) this?" If you end up getting punished anyway, don't scurry away and hide in shame, but lay down on the floor with your head on the floor and stare up at the human with your cutest, saddest face. When they look at you or talk to you, stand up and start shaking your tail. This will make them think you have learned your lesson, but they are really the one learning a lesson! Once you melt their heart with your cuteness, go back to doing the thing you were doing before you got in trouble. Continue this cycle until the human threatens to send you to the pound or until you have broken their spirit.

Step 4 - Never play dumb.

Some dogs will tell you to just play dumb and you will get away with anything you want. This is not however, a good resolution to your human problems, because humans think they can beat rules into even the dumbest dog's head. Acting stupid equals many spankings. Also, every human likes the thought that their dog is the smartest dog in the world. If you disprove this theory, they will lose love for you. It is shallow, I know, but it is true. I see the disappointment in Tammy's eyes every time I fall for Mr. Chris's fetch fake-out.

Step 5 - Be consistent in your rules.

You must maintain consistency in your rules with the humans. For example, if you want to sleep on the couch sometimes, you must sleep on the couch all the time; otherwise, they will not feel guilty when they throw you off the couch. I get a goodboy bone every time I come in from outside. Whether I am hungry or not, I demand my goodboy bone, because if I don't, the humans won't feel guilty for not giving it to me every now and then, and before I know it, I won't get goodboy bones at all. As it is now, Tammy runs out and buys me more goodboy bones as soon as I run out of them. That is a well-trained human! Consistency takes a lot of hard work, but it is worth it!

Step 6 - Always have the last word.

If your human has the gall to yell at you, yell back at them. If they continue yelling, you keep yelling. Let them know you don't take anyone's crap! I like the "grump" method. Ian yells at me a lot, and he is very stubborn, so it is difficult to win with him if I keep yelling loudly at him, so I give him a little grunt called a "grump." It is barely audible, but he knows I got the last word!

Step 7 - Don't be afraid to snuggle.

You need to keep your human soft, so make sure you give them a warm cozy snuggle every now and then. If you don't, they won't have any reason to obey you. It's kind of like a human goodboy bone. They don't always deserve it, but you gotta give it to them or they get cranky!

Step 8 - Be persistent and persevere!

Training your human is a long and trying road, but you have to be persistent and persevere to the very end. Even when you think you have them trained, you have to keep reminding them who is in charge and what the rules are. Humans like to try to take control and change the rules, so you need to stay on your paws!

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