/dance ... I'm doing a little dance right now. You can't tell, because I am here, and you are there, which is not here.
I met a Doberman today named Roxy who has her own pet Boston Terrier named Mario. I am so jealous. Mario is only 8 weeks old, so they are quite the odd pair, since Roxy is rather large. I like them a lot. I wonder what kind of pet I could talk The People into getting me. Maybe a hamster or a gerbil? Nah, I would just eat them. Hmmm... Maybe a The Cheat? Nah, I can't have a cooler dude than me around the house. (Back-handed jab at Ian.) Maybe I don't want a pet after all. You have to clean up after them and stuff. I'm not really in to cleaning up or putting someone else's needs above my own. I think I'll stick with the status quo for now.
The People printed in the darkroom for the entire holiday weekend. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm just glad we're going to Mr. Chris's this weekend, possibly as early as Thursday. That will be cool.
The weekend with Mary Beth went well. I was able to brainwash her very quickly, so we got along just fine. She is a different kind of person than The People. She talks softly and doesn't nag me about being bad all the time. So, I bark at her softly and try not to nag her a lot too. OK, the second part was a lie. I nagged the heck out of her, but she loved it. She actually missed me when she left the apartment for a little while on Saturday. I was sad when she left on Sunday and didn't come back. Sure, The People came back, but I thought Mary Beth was my new playmate for keeps. Bummer ...
The People's Art Show went great! They made two times as much money as they have ever made at a show. This is good, because I want some new accessories to attract the Ladies. And, I peed on my Mr. Mousemms toy, so Ian threw it away. I would like a replacement Mr. Mousemms one day soon. I'll try not to pee on this one, well, maybe not.
Hey all you sexy ladies from Atlanta who have been hitting my website hard lately, I am coming to Atlanta next weekend! Hooray! The People are doing the Virginia-Highlands Art Show (they'll be in booth #316 - go buy their art), so we are staying with Mr. Chris and The Chewb. I'll probably be stuck cooped up with The Chewb in the kitchen all day long, but that's OK. At least I'll get to licky boom-boom down all weekend!
Threadless is having a $10 sale! Although I don't wear clothes (at least willingly), these t-shirts are pretty cool. I would wear them if I had the body for it. As it is, I'm shaped like a tube, and t-shirts don't look so good on me. Check out Ian's latest t-shirt design while you're there.
Ian has a new t-shirt design on Threadless. You should totally go score it.
The People are going to an Art Show in Raleigh this weekend, and I am getting "pet sitted" by Mary Beth. She's really nice. I think I will be able to boss her around with no problem. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had so much company yesterday! First, Mary Beth came over to meet me since she is going to be spending the weekend with me. Then, The Gammy came over, and finally, Alli stopped by. It was exciting. I'm glad The People cleaned the house the other day; otherwise, I would have been so ashamed to let my guests into our apartment. The People don't do cleaning, and I can't clean due to my lack of a thumb. You need a thumb for cleaning, you know. I've seen Tammy trying to gnaw her thumb off in an effort to get out of the cleaning, but she doesn't have the pain tolerance for that sort of thing.
Hey everybody, I just found out that I am the "Deer god." I've never even seen a Deer, but according to Ian, I am the "Deer god." He said to me this morning, "Deer god Norman, quit smacking your lips." I don't know why he thinks he has authority to boss around the "Deer god" - it's not like he's the god of anything. So, the next time you see a Deer, you can think of me, its god, and know that I am smaking my lips.
Just to ease some peoples' minds regarding some previous blog entries, I don't report your web surfing activity to your boss or anything. Heck, I don't even know who you are. I use statcounter to tell me who hits my site and where they came from, and basically, I see your ISP, city/state, and some worthless information about your web browser. So, if you're that person from the you-know-what government agency in you-know-where Maryland, I don't really know who you are, so don't worry, your shirking is safe with me, unless of course you don't send me a dollar today. I don't care that the mail has already run. You can Fed-Ex it to me. I know they are open until at least 6pm.
I had dirty sock stew today. It was gross. The washer and dryer are in my room with my water bowl, and Ian "accidentally" dropped one of his skanky dirty socks in my water while doing laundry. I had to drink this sock stew water all day long. It doesn't sound too bad, but trust me, it's nasty. Well, Chewbie might prefer it.
Speaking of Chewbie, she is sick, and has to spend the night at the Vet's office tonight. Poor The Chewb. I hope she feels better soon.
That slacker from the US General Accounting Office in Marlboro, MD was back on my site today for 10 minutes! Can you believe he continues to waste your money on my website? The audacity! NOTICE: Government employees are not welcome on my website during working hours. I'm not going to be responsible for the downfall of this nation. A terrorist could be sneaking into the US General Accounting Office right now, because you are distracted by my supreme coolness. I know, I'm difficult to resist, but you must control your urges for the safety of our citizens! Don't make me pull this website off the Internet! Sure, Google will keep the pages cached for a little while, but after that, it's over.
I got some more fan mail recently from a very sexy Lady Pug named Daisy Dee in Illinois. She wasn't soliciting me for pug-loving, but I'm sure if the opportunity arised, she would be game. She does refer to me as "Sir Norman", after all, and who doesn't want to breed with royalty?
Today is let's talk about the people that find my site day.
Someone in the Philippines found my site looking for a "picture of exotic food in Canada." You live in the Philippines, and you are looking for pictures of exotic food in Canada? I've seen Strange Brew. The only exotic food they have in Canada is cheap beer and stale jellies (jelly-filled donuts for the Strange Brew impaired readers). You know, I have mentioned Canada a number of times on my website. I hear they pay people to shoot movies in their country. I think I should get paid every time I say the word Canada. Canada! Canada! Canada! Canada! Canada! Canada! Canada! That would cost them seven jellies alone.
A midget looking for love in Tucson, Arizona also hit my site recently. Good luck, dude or dudette. Is that even a word anymore? Dudette. That's so 80's. Actually, the phrase, "That's so" is "so 80's." Ahhhh!! Infinite loop!
Does it bother you that someone from the US General Accounting Office in Upper Marlboro, Maryland came to my site from Mr. Chris's site recently? This means that this person was wasting tax-payers' money to surf the web. And really, reading about Mr. Chris and a handsome Pug in North Carolina is not a good way to spend the thousands of dollars you suckers send the government every year. Suckers!
I think someone in South Africa is looking to prove that the Spanish Monarchy is full of homosexuals, since he found my site looking for, "spanish monarchy lisp" using the Dogpile search engine. Oh yeah, I come up 32nd on that one - 32nd baby! Dogpile is the perfect name for a search engine seeing as most of the info you find on the web is as useful as a big steaming pile of dog crap. Sorry Gammy. I know you don't like the word crap, but I am a bad dog after all.
Since Doteasy only holds my last 100 page loads, that's all I have to share with you. I hope it was enlightening. And don't worry, I know how you got to my site too. Hopefully, I don't have to embarrass you with that information.
The Internet is a pretty cool place to stalk people without them knowing you are stalking them. There is tons of information available to you that people would probably prefer to keep private. Like, if you know what county a person lives in, you can most likely find the database that contains info from the county probate court like how many speeding tickets they have, whether they wear their seatbelt, when they were in jail, any illegitimate babies they got sued for, etc ... Before the Internet, you would have to go down to the courthouse for this info and even pay money to access it. But, thanks to the Internet, we can stalk people for free and from the convenience of our own homes.
Internet stalking has revolutionized dating too. For example, let's say some girl was thinking of dating Mr. Chris, but wasn't sure if he was her type. She could find loads of character information about him on this website alone! And trust me, if you google Mr. Chris, you're coming to my site. So, her decision of whether to date him could lie in my hands, or paws.
This being said, Mr. Chris, I think I have the advantage here. I want you to make Tammy stop playing the World of Warcraft game. If you don't, I'm spilling the beans on everything I know about you and things such as your secret television show preferences and how you like me to wake you in the morning. You know what I'm talking about. And don't tell me to pee on Tammy's computer, because that cannot be traced back to Ian. He doesn't like to pee on things. Tammy is always throwing that in my face. Ian's a good boy, Norman - he doesn't pee on things. You're a bad dog. Blah, blah, blah ... The ball is now in your court. Wait - that's my ball. Throw it, throw it, throw it!
Someone in Atlanta has been hitting my site hard the past couple of days ~ you know who you are. If you're a hot lady and would like to meet me, I will be in Atlanta the weekend of June 4th staying with Mr. Chris. Drop me a line, and we can hook up. If you're not a hot lady, nevermind, unless you have a hot Lady Pug.
I'm a snuggle bear. Tammy says so.
Tammy had to fly to Mobile last Friday morning. She got up at 3:30 in the morning. It was unpleasant for everyone involved, including me. She came back that night though. I missed her.
The People laid around all weekend and watched movies, played video games and slept. They were lazy butts supreme! They kicked me out on the porch with a lamb chop at one point. I guess they were tired of me tromping all over their personal parts. Lamb chops are really, really good. Sure, I eat lamb and rice dog food every day, but I am suspicious of the quality of lamb in those pellets they pass off as kibble ~ probably butts and hooves. The real thing is much, much better.