Happy Last Day of February Day! Today is not a holiday according to Tammy's Pug Calendar, so I had to make one up. The Canadians probably celebrate the Last Day of February Day on different days across the various territories. They're funny like that. Silly knobs ... I'll steamroll your holiday, you hoser!
Whose idea was it to freeze rain and make the dog go outside in it? I don't go outside in the rain. Why on Earth would The People expect me to go outside in the frozen rain? I don't like that frozen rain (AKA - snow) stuff getting all over my body, I don't like walking in it, and I certainly won't make pooh in it! I can't smell where I'm aiming! It's like trying to use the bucket in the dark! This is an unfortunate side-effect of being a mountain dog. I miss the beach. The People are going to have to buy a shovel to clear me out a patch of grass for pooping. Also, I require being carried to and from the poop-spot, and a new sweater that does not question my sexuality. I'm a "no twigs, no berries" kind of dog regardless of the outside temperature!
The People have been sleeping on a make-shift futon in the living room for the past three nights to avoid the stomp-a-thon that goes on late every night and early every morning above their bedroom. The neighbors must be stomping to raise money for Jerry's kids or something. It's a noble cause to which they seem very dedicated, so I shouldn't complain. Since I whine in my room until they let me out at night, I have also been sleeping with The People. Well, actually between them. I have been trying to get Ian out of the mix and finally succeeded last night! He gave in to my obnoxious snoring and went back to the bedroom. The Woman stayed out in the living room with me, and we snuggled. The bad news is that I think last night may have been my final night of fun, because Tammy put the make-shift futon away this morning. I guess I should have seen a good thing and left well enough alone. Am I allowed to use that many stupid sayings in one sentence? It's back to the dog room for me tonight. Bummer...
Today is Yukon Heritage Day. This has been a busy week full of holidays! Heritage Day is a Canadian holiday that is celebrated on different days depending where you live in Canada. This is a really screwed up holiday that is celebrated by most of Canada on the third Monday of February (the same day as The United State's President's Day). Alberta celebrates on the first Monday in August, Yukon on the Friday before the last Sunday in February (today), and Saskatchewan on February 17th. Isn't that bizarre? And why doesn't Tammy's all-knowing Pug Calendar show February 17th as Saskatchewan Heritage Day? Are they partial to the Yukon Territory? Is Canada really a real country? It's ironic that they can't agree on which day to celebrate the day that celebrates their own heritage! But, they make funny movies like "Strange Brew," so I'll cut them some slack. I don't know much about Canada, so researching this holiday has been very educational for me. I learned three provinces (or maybe they're territories - I still can't get that straight) of Canada (Yukon, Alberta, and Saskatchewan) and where they are located. Jeopardy tournament of pooches, here I come!
Feliz Dia de la Bandera, or Happy 4th of July for Mexico, even though it's February and not July. Instead of fireworks, the Mexicans have a parade of flags. It's a bit of a let down to Americans vacationing down there I'm sure, with nothing blowing up and all. Maybe the flags are flaming or at least flammable. That would be kind of cool, because they would at least have the potential to be on fire, and everyone likes a nice flaming something or other. I found this quote on a Mexican website regarding Dia de la Bandera, "'VIVA MEXICO' DON'T LET NO ONE BRING YOU DOWN." Do they realize this actually means let someone (or everyone) bring you down? Poor buggers - they've had it all wrong from the start.
I added some information to the Pug Maintenance page due to a reader in Lebanon, Missouri searching in vain for information on "warts on a pug puppy mouth." I sometimes get these pimply wart things too, so I added a brief discussion to ease your mind. I hope it helps. I also added some information about how Tammy treats my dry, cracked nose so it doesn't gross out Mr. Chris. Happy reading, and "Don't let no one bring you down!"
Happy Birthday to the older nephew, Dalton! Today you are twelve, I think. That is three times my age. Since you are so old and smart, I'm sure you figured out that I am four years old. Well, I'm almost four. My birthday is March 27th, so I guess you're only 2 and some fraction times my age.
Today is also the Chinese Lantern Festival according to The Woman's all-knowing Pug calendar. Chinese Lantern Festival is the last day of the Chinese New Year 2-week long celebration. As the name implies, the partiers display a lot of lanterns. It sounds exciting. I guess you just have to be there to appreciate it. Tammy says we don't own a lantern, and she isn't going to go buy me one, so I don't get to participate. It's not such a big loss though, because the Asian population in Asheville is pretty sparse, so I'm not missing out on much.
The Woman and I slept on the couch again early this morning. I'm starting to like the neighbors. I get sleepy time with The Woman now! The Woman, however, does not like the neighbors at all, or so she claims. I think she secretly appreciates their noise making which gives her sleepy time with me. She just doesn't want Ian to know, because he gets jealous of me easily.
I got to eat cereal for breakfast today because I am out of my food. Man, The People thought my poop cycle was off due to the beef and rice food, just wait until this oat bran kicks in! Grounding here I come! Hopefully they will go to the store and get me some lamb and rice so I can get regular again.
Happy Washington's Birthday Day! It's sad that The People have to work on the Birthday of the Founding Father! You can't just lump Washington's Birthday in with all the other Presidents on President's Day! That's just not right. Apparently, we used to celebrate Washington's Birthday on the actual day, but in 1968, the dufii (plural for dufus) in Congress decided to change the name of the holiday to President's Day and always celebrate on the third Monday in February to simplify the holiday schedule for federal employees. Stupid federal employees messing everything up because they are fragile and can't remember what day is what. I think everyone who is working today should seriously slack off and take your own personal mini-holiday. According to some research I did on the Internet, Washington's favorite foods were ice cream and fish, so to celebrate, go have a big scoop of fish ice cream! You know you deserve it! I guess a more traditional thing to eat on this day is cherry pie, because of the whole Washington trying to chop down his Dad's cherry tree thing. I have been inspired by George Washington today! "I cannot tell a lie, I peed on that blanket." Now, whenever I pee on things, The People will remember what an honest dog I am! Hooray for George Washington!
The Woman and I slept on the couch this morning because the Elephant People were stomping around above her bedroom at 6am. Poor Woman...
Happy President's Day! First of all, I would like to comment on the last entry in my blog made by The Rude Woman. That's right - I peed and pooped in my room. It's my room, and I'll do what I want. Yeah, she grounded me, and I pooped again, and again, and again. Three more times after I was grounded! Why do I poop in my room? There are several reasons for this arguably "bad dog behaviour." First, Ian got me Beef and Rice dog food instead of the Chicken and Rice that I have been eating for 4 1/2 years, and it has messed with my bowels. Second, The Woman has been knitting this pink fuzzy thing and wrapping me in it every now and then, and I feared that it actually was for me. Luckily, she finished it, and it is for her. So, my pooping was preemptive rebelling to having to wear a pink fuzzy thing. Finally and most importantly, The Woman is very anxious and yells a lot now that we live in this apartment, because the rude Elephant People upstairs are pushing her into a furious landslide of crazy by not allowing her to sleep and filling all her waking hours (which are a lot) with the thumping repetition of their fat-butted, big-haired stomps!!! I am honestly having the poop scared out of me daily, because she is so freaked out by these people. So, as you can see, it is not my fault that I poop in my room so much, because I do it not of choice, but as a defense mechanism or maybe a coping mechanism. I don't do psychology. However, it is my room, and if I wanted to poop in it, I would, because, "Whatever, I do what I want!"
Now, back to the President's Day discussion. My favorite President of all time is Calvin Coolidge, because according to The Woman, The Mean One and Mr. Chris, Calvin Coolidge always refers to himself in the third person, uses his past Presidency to take charge in all situations and talks like a burly black man. "How many of you have been the 30th President of the United States?? That's what I thought, now shut up!"
I would like to applaud a reader in Aplaus, New York who recently found my website looking for "stupid puggle dog." I hope you got your fill of puggle-related ranting from my site. If not, email me, and I'll rant at you directly. Another reader in Vanceburg, Kentucky found my site looking for "frankendog picture." I'm sure he too was searching for the dreaded puggle. Check out the Weird Search Strings page for more strange strings people have used to find my site.
Norman is grounded until further notice for peeing in his room two nights in a row. As part of his punishment, I (Tammy - AKA: The Woman) get to post on his website how he is a little baby dog who can't hold his pee all night and has to pee in his own room, and I'm going to knit him a fuzzy pink sweater and matching pink booties to go with his baby bladder problem. Norman is approaching 4 years in age, and this recent episode of peeing on the floor is inexcusable. Also included in his punishment package is another day of not getting played with. That's right - no tug, no fetch, no butt scratching. I don't care how cute he is, it's off limits until he can stop peeing in his room! So, if you need a blog fix, I suggest you check out what The Hulk is up to today, because Norman won't be back until he can relearn to control his bladder in the night.
I am generally annoyed by people who put a quote of the day on their blog, unless it is a funny quote of the day that doesn't take much thinking to figure out. However, I am about to break my own rule and post my very first quote of the day. Please forgive me if you also hate these things, but I couldn't help myself...
"I thought, 'Oh my God, I'm a massive star and I think I may be a poof. This is not going to end well'"
-George Michael in his film "George Michael: A Different Story"
I was very amused by this statement. The word "poof" is just too funny not to share, and the idea of George Michael thinking this word in his head about himself is really funny to me. I wonder if it is considered politically correct to refer to someone as a "poof." Well, maybe in England, but they have different rules than the uptight Americans. Disclaimer - I read this story on cnn.com, I did not see this movie.
Tammy had a very bad night last night. The neighbors on the other side of the wall decided to watch TV at 11:30pm very loudly and she had to sleep on the couch to get away from the blaring noise, which meant I was getting out of my room to sleep with her. But, I wouldn't let her sleep either, and some other neighbors decided midnight was the time to vacuum. She finally went back into the bedroom at 1:00am, so I dookied and peed ALL OVER the kitchen to show her my annoyance by her leaving me in the night. She was so mad for so many reasons this morning. I think I adequately balanced the good my Pug Maintenance page has done in the world with evil for today. Tammy is still not talking to me, but I'm sure she'll get over it. She always does...
The People finally came to get me from Mr. Chris's house! I was having fun, but he locked me in the bathroom when he went to work, and I am used to getting to sleep at The Woman's feet all day while she works. I don't like being locked in the stinky bathroom all day, even if Chewbie is there. Mr. Chris is losing points with me, but I understand that he is a Salesperson now, and things are changing, so I'll cut him some slack (like maybe an inch or two). He also sent me home with a new toy, so that's a credit to his account. Not to mention that I peed on a lot of things at his house this weekend, so we'll just call it all even.
I was so happy to see The People! The Woman said she didn't miss me all that much, but I know she was lying. Who wouldn't miss my whittle face?? Michael Rayl need not comment on this question.
My Pug Maintenance page has already been helpful to a surfer in Canby, Oregon looking for info on cleaning her Pug's wrinkles and another surfer looking for info on his Pug's anal gland. I feel so helpful that I need to go be bad.
I have added a Weird Search Strings page documenting all the bizarre ways people find my website. You are some weird people out there.
I have so much to blog today that I fear I will not be able to say all I want on each topic. But, it has to be done today, because I am going to Mr. Chris's for the weekend and I won't be able to blog there! It weirds him out when I use his computer. He says I leave a strange smelling funk on the keyboard. Puh-lease ...
Happy Chinese New Year! It's the year of the Rooster, so cock-a-doodle-doo to all of you! Tammy started collecting Chinese New Year stamps from the post office a couple years ago, thinking it was the first year they were made and she would collect them all over the coming years. Well, she recently discovered that last year was the final year for them. She only has three years worth, and she is not happy. Maybe she can find the others on Ebay. That's a good use of our limited funds. Anyway, you can check out the sampler pack of the Chinese New Year stamps offered for the past 12 years. They're pretty cool in a nerdy stamp collecting kind of way.
It's also Ash Wednesday, which is kind of interesting, because today is like a coming together of Eastern and Western cultures in a sense. Not that anyone is actually coming together, it's just that a really important Eastern and Western holiday happen to coincide this year. I feel for Asian people who are Catholic, because Ash Wednesday is a day of fasting and contemplating your sin, and Chinese New Year is a day of celebrating and pigging out. That is a serious dilemma! Asian-Americans in Bayou La Batre are dealing with this conflict in different ways. (Yes, the site makes you give them your zip code, birth year and sex. Sorry - I couldn't find the article anywhere else.)
The state of Virginia has a serious need for some real problems. Maybe they should import some Pug dogs so they have something better to do with their time other than try to police what people wear. This has got to be the most ridiculous waste of tax payer money I have seen today. Sure, the People don't like looking at other peoples' underwears hanging out their pants, but Tammy also doesn't appreciate that annoying Gwen Steffani's stupid gut hanging out of every outfit she owns (we get it Gwen, you work out a lot), but they sure aren't going to fine her $50 every time she goes out in public. And, I don't like my gay dinosaur sweater, but I don't expect the "House of Delegates" to pass a law banning Tammy from making me wear the stupid thing! (Although I would not mind seeing that piece of legislation.) I could seriously rant about this all day long, but I think you get the point -> This is a stupid thing to waste time contemplating, so get over it you old fogeys. Yes, fogey is a real word.
And my final blog topic today - someone in Visalia, California found my website looking for info on "peeing midgets." This might tie "want to lick your eyeball" guy for weirdest search string ever. I think I will start a list of the weirdest search strings people have used to find my website.
Some freakazoid from Norway found my site twice in the same day (several hours apart) via the search strings, "want to lick your eyeball" and "licking your eyeball", which means 1 - this person is a serious freak and 2 - he has been scouring the Internet for info on this subject for several hours, thereby confirming observation 1. Weirded out.
In response to everyone's sickeningly overdone admiration of Tyson the Skateboarding Bulldog, I have decided to add a new trick to my modest repertoire of tricks. No, use of the word "repertoire" is not the trick. Although Tyson is deserving of the attention, he is not deserving of being called "The Top 10 Coolest Dogs in the world," as Tammy has dubbed him. He can be the coolest, and I will even give him first and second coolest, but I'm not going to sit idly by and let him rule the entire Top 10 list! I have got to be at least number 3 or 4 for Pugness sake! Seriously. So, my newest trick (to demean myself and all dogs along with me in order to claim a spot in the Top 10 list) is playing Volleyball. The People throw the ball at me, and I bounce it back to them off my head. It is entirely too cute and too cool to simply articulate in a blog entry, but since we don't have a video camera, you'll just have to use your imagination. Trust me, it is cool. I even saw the hint of a smile from a slightly entertained Michael Rayl with my latest moves, and that dude is like stone. So move your big Bulldog butt over Tyson, Norman's staking his claim on that list!
Ch-ch-ch-chia! For all you ladies who have been wishing they'd make a Chia Pet Pug, or just want to turn your Pug into a Chia Pet, this sweater is for you ... or more likely for your poor, unsuspecting dog. Check it out. You can be a Chia Pet just like your Pug! That chick weirds me out. What's up with that hair? Don't ever let anyone tell you knitting needles aren't dangerous. This is proof that they are dangerous, and possibly even fatal when used incorrectly.
The People are going to Mobile next week. I don't know if I get to go or not. I don't have a Pugsitter up here, so unless Mr. Chris volunteers to let me stay with him (hint-hint), I will have to go to Mobile too. I'm sure they'll make me stay in my cage the entire time we're there and feed me nothing but beef and rice and not let me pee. Maybe they'll give me a bucket ...
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. Stupid weather predicting groundhog. I'm tired of wearing my Dinosaur sweater!
While I was watching the "Star Pet" show the other night, a commercial came on for the North Carolina Yellow Pages. The ugliest dog I have ever seen was sitting in a car as its person was getting out of the car. The person shut the door, and as he was walking away, remembered he left his keys in the car. When he turned to go back for the keys, the dog locked the door on "accident" while wearing an evil little grin on his ugly little face. The car had those old-school kind of locks that stick up from the door, so it was easy for him to lock the person out. It was at this point Tammy shouted - "Ah! It's a puggle!!" It was, in fact, a puggle in the commercial. I have mixed feelings about this, because on the one paw, I hate the puggle for tainting the bloodline of purebred Pugs. However, on the other paw, that dog was as evil as any Pug I have ever met. So, despite the horrible act of crossbreeding, the evil of the Pug is so strong that it perseveres through the corruption of the bloodline! This will teach those humans not to mess with perfection. Otherwise, they end up with an evil and ugly dog. I foresee many a puggle at the pound ...
Does anyone know why they advertise the Yellow Pages on TV? Who doesn't know about the Yellow Pages? They bring one to your door for free every year, for badness sake! Do they think people need reminded that they have a copy of the Yellow Pages and should use it when they need to look up a business? "Oh yeah, I forgot we have the Yellow Pages! Now I can find the plumber's phone number, and we can use the crapper again instead of this bucket. Good thing that commercial came on, or I would have never thought of using the Yellow Pages!" I will never understand humans. At least, I hope not.
I have some sad and shocking news - I am not the coolest dog in the world. I thought I was, but I was wrong. The People were watching "Pet Star" on the Animal Planet channel last night, and the coolest dog to have ever lived in the whole wide world was on. He is an English Bulldog named Tyson, and he loves to skateboard! You have got to check out his website. There are several movies of him skating, and lots of info about his supreme coolness. He skates of his own desire, and he even taught himself! He pumps, pumps, pumps, gliiiiides ... turns around, pumps, pumps, pumps, gliiiiides ... All day long! Can you believe he did not win the prize on the "Pet Star" show? He tied for second place with a water-skiing squirrel. What a stupid "trick." The thing was on the skis for fear of drowning! And, he's like the 5th squirrel they taught to do this, so how hard can it really be? The "winner" of the show was an Akira named Kira (how witty??) who obeyed her person. Like that's hard to do. The trick is to not obey your person! I can't find Kira's website, so she must not be that great. Even the squirrel has a website! So, although he is the coolest dog to have ever lived on the planet, he still got the shaft from the "celebrity" judges on the show. I say, "celebrity," because they are the kind of celebrities that would be on "Fear Factor," "The Surreal Life," or judging a stupid pet trick competition on "Pet Star."
The judges consisted of that lady that played Andrea Zuckerman on the "Beverly Hills 90210" show. She was in her thirties at the time and playing a teenager. She looked weird. Also, there was this super-duper annoying dude named Andy Kindler who I did not recognize. His jokes were really bad and he was just an annoying person, so I'm sure I've never witnessed anything with which he has been involved (other than this show, of course). Finally, there was a lady whose website claims she is the "10th Sexiest Woman in the World." Well, if you go around naked on the beach, I guess you do get a lot of attention and would be more likely to show up in this poll. Apparently she has been on "The Bernie Mac Show" at some point, but she appears to be one of those "actresses" who basically just "hosts" a bunch on dumb television garbage. Her website actually cites her appearance on the "Pet Star" show, so she can't be a very serious "actress." But, what level of judges do you expect from a show hosted by that dude who was on "Saved by the Bell." No, not the blonde guy. The other one. No, not Screech, the Hispanic dude who was also supposed to be hot.
As I'm sure you can guess, Tammy wants to trade me for Tyson. And if that fails, she is going to buy me a skateboard. Man, I hope I get traded! I wish there was some kind of doggy draft where the owners come together and trade their "players" every year before the season starts. Maybe I could get me some normal owners for a change.