I got a hit from another Canadian, this time a knob from Alberta looking for a spaghetti eating Pug. I wonder if spaghetti is considered exotic food in Canada. I just can't picture a Canadian hunkered over a plate meticulously rolling spaghetti onto his fork. I think the bulky mittens and thick beard would get in the way. I also don't see Canadians as spaghetti slurpers - they've got too much French in their blood to stoop to a slurping level. If Pugs could eat spaghetti, we would be slurpers all the way.
When I think of Canada, I always think of bacon and that horrible movie John Candy was in, Canadian Bacon. In my opinion, Canadian bacon is not bacon, but in fact, ham. So with that said, what differentiates bacon from ham? Is it the cut of meat? I would really like to know. Here is a site that explains it all. If you're a pig-meat connoisseur, you will have a field day. Anyway, back to Canada ... When I think of a Canadian, I always picture John Candy dressed as he is on the cover of Canadian Bacon eating a big plate of spaghetti, uh no, ham (or maybe bacon). Then I think of the movie Strange Brew and the words "knob" and "hoser." Those are funny words, eh? If you don't own the movie Strange Brew, you should, because it is a classic. A classic what, I'm not sure, but a classic something...
Someone working for the Post Office in Raleigh, North Carolina found my site looking for the dreaded 'P' word. I'm sure they know first-hand how vicious the blasted franken-breed can be! They were probably looking for a brand of mace powerful enough to defend them against the rabies-infested grip of the abominable dog!
Tammy has been trying to "train" me to not step all over her when she is petting me. She claims it "hurts." Anyway, when she starts scratching the can-can, I just get too excited to sit still. We'll see who ends up training who this time.
So, I've been thinking about these words "canny" and "uncanny." It appears that, against all logic, something can be both canny and uncanny simultaneously. It is uncanny how canny Ian is being in regards to letting me have a Lady Pug.
I'm sure Mr. Chris has enjoyed my latest musings, since they have involved him, and he loves to read about himself, and look at pictures of himself, and talk to himself, etc ... Anyway, I am having trouble getting this Bizarro Mr. Chris image out of my mind and decided to share it with you all for Mr. Chris's further amusement. Bizarro Mr. Chris would never let me lick him on the face, but would, in fact, ignore my existence. He would not take Tammy's crap, but deal it back to her ten-fold. Tammy would loathe Bizarro Mr. Chris, for real, not the playful way she "loathes" the non-Bizarro Mr. Chris. Bizarro Mr. Chris would never miss his exit while driving on the interstate. He would drive faster when he was talking instead of slower. Bizarro Mr. Chris would not own a Pomeranian, and he would make fun of men who did. Bizarro Mr. Chris would have a thick, lush head of hair, but shave it down to the scalp daily. Bizarro Mr. Chris would be proud of his hairy chest and back and wear tank tops every chance he had! He would spend his free time watching college football, pro-football, NASCAR and wrestling, and his biggest conundrum would involve a scheduling conflict between viewing one of the events. He would not know what conundrum means, and he would not try to use it in a sentence. Bizarro Mr. Chris would never devise a music video to It's Raining Men in his head, nor would he even consider wearing a Maid's costume, even for fun. Bizarro Mr. Chris would not be caught dead in fairy yellow, plaid or stripes. He would always wear his shirt tucked into his khaki pants and never wear socks. His wardrobe would consist mostly of team sports-wear and "Big Johnson" t-shirts. Bizarro Mr. Chris would not know what to do with a computer and consider anything high-tech a "passing fad" for geeks and nerds. He would play only console video games strictly involving sports-related themes, because Knights, Wizards and Dwarves are gay. He would drink cheap beer, possibly, cheap, light beer. Ian would not approve of Bizarro Mr. Chris because of his choice in beverage, and he would avoid him at all cost. I have so many other Bizarro Mr. Chris facts, but this entry is getting long, and Mr. Chris is the only one still reading. Anyway, maybe if I think of a really funny one, I'll add it in later. Oh yeah, if you don't know Mr. Chris, I'm sorry to bore you. You didn't have to read this far down though!
Today's dog quote on Tammy's pug-a-day calendar is, "In a dog park, a person should be judged solely by their dog's behaviour." That made me laugh, because I really like to sniff other dogs' butts, and I am mesmerized by dogs who have lost their essence. So, what does that say about Tammy. Or better yet, what does that say about Ian? Do people think Ian likes to sniff butt? Hold on, I have to laugh for a minute... OK, I'm back. That was a good laugh. Anyway, I do see a strong parallel between Chewbie and Mr. Chris at the dog park. Chewbie likes to run around and meet all the other dogs, show off her pretty fluffy mane and give everyone lots of kisses, just like a Princess. Mr. Chris is the same way. He prances around the park in his fairy yellow coat shouting, "look at me, look at me," and talking to everyone he sees that doesn't avoid eye contact with him. The similarities are uncanny. (If something can be uncanny, can something be canny? According to MS Word, yes, something can be canny; ie, careful) It's funny to think of Mr. Chris owning an aggressive dog like a Pit Bull. I guess that would be Bizarro Mr. Chris!
Speaking of Mr. Chris, he is trying to annoy me with searching for the 'P' word to find my site. It won't work! I'm not saying that word, no matter how you find my site, so give it up!
A Web Surfer in Plano, Texas is wondering, "Why did my cousin lick me on my face?" Hmmm... That is a very strange question to be asking of the Internet. I'm not sure how you think the Internet could know the answer to this question, but let me take a shot at it. Were you sweating honey? Do you shave with Hershey's syrup? Do you cry Strawberry Yoo-Hoo tears? Had you just eaten a big slice of juicy watermelon? Is your hair made of caramel and as you were standing out in the hot Texas sun your hair was melting down your face? Were you bobbing for apples in maraschino cherry juice? It's funny how none of my guesses involve squid guts, fish sauce or 100 year old eggs, like on Fear Factor. Anyway, maybe you shouldn't tempt your cousin and she won't lick your face. It works for me and Tammy. Well, sometimes it works for Tammy at least. I am tempted very easily.
Speaking of food products coming out of places they shouldn't, when Tammy's brother was a little kid, he ate so many beets that he peed beet juice. His mom freaked out and rushed him to the hospital! That is one weird kid, but he had some clean pipes from all that vinegar!
The People had yet another Art Show this weekend and won another award. These awards are problematic for the Pug, because despite their "average" sales at the shows, the People are encouraged to persevere by these stupid awards. I do like the ribbons though. They are colorful and make me happy! I want to rip them up! I don't know why I want to rip things up that I think are pretty. I guess it's the same reason Tammy is compelled to eat flowers. I wonder if that's one of the fourteen characteristics of a serial killer. No, I guess not. Dr. Phil was no help on this one. I guess we're just weirdos. I'm a blogging dog, so I have an excuse for being weird. Tammy, however, has no excuse
I don't get much email from my fans, but I do see how you find my site, and since I can deduce questions from your search strings, I'm going to take some time to answer some of them...
A reader in Houston, Texas is wondering if a dog will eat roach traps. Well, Partner, yes, your dog might try to eat roach traps, particularly if you lather them up with butter and dip them in sugar and cinnamon - yummy roach trap treat! However, if they are the traps like the People buy, they are really difficult to chew through. Just ask Chewbie. I tried to get her to eat one, but her little girlie teeth couldn't penetrate the hard plastic casing. Just put the traps out of your dog's reach - behind the entertainment center, on a window ledge, etc ... Then you should be just fine. Oh yeah, and don't lather them up with butter - the roach traps that is - not the dog - you can lather the dog up with butter all you want, because he won't mind a bit. Again, just ask Chewbie.
A reader in Ontario, Canada is wondering what to do about bad dog behaviour. Problems with the dog up North, eh? Maybe if you would spend more time with your dog and give him more attention, he wouldn't be so bad you knob! You're lucky he doesn't steam roll you, eh! That's some bad dog behaviour, eh. I'm sure whatever your dog is doing isn't as bad as him doing something like stealing your last jelly, you hoser!
The rest of the search strings are for the dreaded 'P' word that I can't mention or will invoke more stupid hits. So, until I get some more intelligent searches, that's all for now ...
Sorry for the lengthy hiatus. I was grounded from the Internet for the whole Thong Song incident last week. Apparently, Tammy doesn't appreciate hippos in thongs either.
It appears the country is gearing up for another strongly divided Presidential election. I don't get humans ... I mean, in the Dog world, it's obvious which Dog is the leader - the one that "Alpha Males" all the other dogs. I think humans should take a cue from us canines. George Bush should just pummel John Kerry to the ground and sit on top of him until he stops squirming. No recounts needed! Neither candidate has voiced their opinion on whether Ian should get me a Lady Pug, so I don't really care who wins. And the fact that I can't vote also adds to my disinterest. If dogs could vote for the Alpha Male of the clan, we would lift our leg on the candidate of our choice. Whichever candidate comes out smelling the most like whiz wins! Again, no recounts needed.
The Gammy's kitty gave me fleas. I have been itching like a crazy man! The People tried to wash me with flea shampoo, but it didn't work, so they had to buy me some medicine from the Vet. I am glad I don't itch anymore, but I kind of miss my little flea friends. They kept me company at night ...
I have been keeping a low profile this week. I have received more hits through search strings like "discipline pug" and other similarly phrased oxymorons, and I am scared. I have been trying to obey the People and not demand too much can-can scratching. It has been difficult, but necessary. We must ward off the potential People uprising! Pugs unite ... in goodness. Argh ... this is going to be a long week.
Oh yeah - I almost forgot - the last Chewbie song was to the tune of The Thong Song by Sisqo. Sorry Gammy. That link is just too funny to not include. I know, I know, I need to keep my site G-rated, but sometimes it gets a little PG or PG-13 (whatever rating a hippo in a thong shaking his groove thing warrants). I am a bad dog, but I just can't help it that I like the way the Chewbie goes ... Pom pom pom pom pom!
Luther Ingram's song If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want to Be Right made its big come back by being seen on my site the other day. I'm sure he will be rolling in the dough now. Again, thanks to the Internet for the Artist of that song.
Tammy taught me how to retrieve envelopes for her yesterday morning. I might sign up to be a Postman! I would look really cute in that little hat and those short pants they get to wear in the summer, and I hear they make decent money! Nevermind that all the mail will be kind of wet, crumpled and have teeth marks in it ... I'm sure people will get over that minor detail once they see me in my hat!
I wonder what the Chewb is doing this Saturday. It's raining here, and the people are in the darkroom. We could be napping, but no - we're shut up in a little dark room and I refuse to nap, because it might take away from Tammy's guilt of my boredom ... I need some happy thoughts to keep my spirits up ... Cause Chewb has fur like fluff fluff fluff ... Brains like mush mush mush ... Dingle berries on her butt butt butt - I think I'll sing it again ... Pom pom pom pom pom - I like the way the Chewbie goes ... I like the way the Chewbie flows ... Let me see the pooooooom ...
BEWARE PUG BROTHERS! (and sisters, of course - I meant that in the Biblical sense where "brothers" encompasses brothers and sisters) In the past week, I have had several hits from people looking for information on training and/or disciplining Pugs. Yes, "Pugs" specifically. It seems we may have a potential revolt on our hands. In an attempt to curb the impending uprising and placate the people for the time being, be on your BEST behaviour. I don't mean your best worst behaviour, I mean act like a Labrador Retriever for a while. You know how those "dogs" listen to what their people tell them to do, don't lick themselves profusely, and actually care about their peoples' feelings? Well, try to do that for a while. Not long - just until we can restore some order to this crazy world ...
I also had a hit from someone looking for "hate french bulldogs" That's funny since the French Bulldog is at the top of my dung list. Tammy threatens to replace me with a Frenchie quite frequently. I wonder if it was another Pug that found my site through that search string. If so, I feel your pain Brother (again, Biblical "brother").
Yesterday's Chewbified rendition of Just the Two of Us by Dr. Evil has got to be one of my favorite Chewbie songs. Maybe because the original song involves a midget, and I love me some midgets! I wish I had a midget owner. It would be splendid. She could ride me around the house, and I could lick her in the face without her having to bend down! Sometimes I fantasize that Tammy is a midget, but then I wake up, and there she is in her full-size body. Bummer ... I guess she feels the same way about me when she fantasizes that I am a Frenchie ... Stupid Frenchies! Wouldn't it be cool if Ian were a midget? I could knock him right over when he started mouthing off about something! Man, that would be too great.
Anyway, despite the potential human uprising against us Pugs and Tammy's threats to replace me with a Frenchie, I am still thinking of the Chewb ... If pugging Chewb is wrooooooooong ... I don't wanna be right ....
I've been working on this great new look that melts even the heart of Ian. I call it "Hobo Clown." It doesn't involve clown make-up - it's an all natural facial expression that is cute beyond Tammy's wildest dreams. I get the really sad eyes going and then extend my bottom "lip" over my top "lip" to make a pouty face. I have to be careful to keep the ears perked up though, because if they slouch back, the whole thing is shot! I should be in movies. Those Pugs they cast for movies are all the same and have no acting abilities. It's all the same look! I, on the other hand, have a broad range of looks for all occasions. Stupid Hollywood ...
Yesterday's ballad to the Chewb was set to the tune of Love Me Do by the Beatles. If you didn't know that, you are pretty uncool, and you need some help. If you're under 16, then you have an excuse, because you are still learning the ways of coolness and you at least have hope. If you are 16 or over and did not know that, you might want to seek professional counseling from someone.
Someone who is not very cool but can get away with it because she is fluffy and kind of dumb is the Chewb...
Just the two of us .. we can make it if we try .. just the two of us .... Chewb and I ...
From the moment I heard Chris
say he had a Pom
I knew that I'd be happy
and never be alone
An evil Puggy shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings
my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing
I hoped Ian
would let me have a Lady
sweetie pie girl of the Pug species
But he said no to me
C'est la vie
life is cruel, treats you unfairly
Even so, a doggie god there must be
Chew-Chew Bear, you complete me.
Just the two of us .. we can make it if we try .. just the two of us .... Chewb and I ...
In case you haven't figured it out, yesterday's song about the Chewb was set to the rhythm of, "What I Like About You" by The Romantics. I bet you didn't know the name of the band. I didn't either. I had to look it up on the Internet. I love the Internet. I wonder what people did before they had the Internet. I bet people were a lot dumber than they are today.
I am still missing the Chewb and singing songs to her all the live long day! Pug, pug me Chewb ... You know I pug you ... I'll always be true ... So pleeeeeaaaase - Pug me Chewb ...... Ooooohhhh - Pug me Chewb ....
Tammy used to sing to me when I was a puppy, because I whined a lot. She thought the singing would help soothe me, but she didn't realize that I was whining because of her singing. But, it grew on me after a while. I still think she's crazy, but at least she's crazy in a non-violent way. I can deal with that.
We had the laziest weekend ever! It was great. There was absolutely no darkroom activity, very little video game action, and a lot of lazing around the house with the Pug! It has taken three and a half long years of tedious work, but I think I finally have the People trained.
I miss Chew Bear. I haven't seen her in many days. Actually, more days than a Pug can count. I was singing a song about her this weekend. What I like about Chewb .... she rolls in dead stuff ..... she likes to smell all big and bad like she is all butch and tough .... yeah ... keep on rolling in stinky pooh ... smellin' like the crap on the bottom of a shoe ... and it's true ... what I like about Chewb ... that's what I like about Chewb ... what I like about Chewb ... that's what I like about Chewb ... what I like about Chewb ... that's what I like about Chewb ... And of course, on and on with the ... what I like about Chewb ... that's what I like about Chewb ... part until the next song pops into my head. Probably something about me being really cool and stuff.